So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
