I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You need Xanax blowdarts
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Randomize
