Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
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