Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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