insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
