why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
