As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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