The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
