Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
