can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.