Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.