Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
You dont lie about slip and slides
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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