my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
