Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
