I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
