Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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