Barsexuality is the new black.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I am one with the molecules
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
