what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
