Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
