I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
