What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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