Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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