Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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