The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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