I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
