Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
