I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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