Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
