You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
