why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
