I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
