She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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