I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
