did you get engaged???
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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