I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
