First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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