Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
