dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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