That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
