Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
