I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
