Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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