The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
