broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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