the condom got lost in my hair
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
