So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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