he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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