can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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