even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?