Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I booty called her while she was in labor.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
