I can tuck mytits in my pants
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
