How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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