Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
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Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
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Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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