Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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