just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I want her autograph on my taint
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
