i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize