Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
