I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Randomize
