Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
